This is an advice column for those with relationship issues; Including mother/daughter, neighbor/neighbor, husband/wife etc. conflicts. This will focus on any and all issues, that a person would like advice with, and will be answered by Victoria herself. Soon to be answered in a video format.
Dear Victoria:
ReplyDeleteI have been in a relationship for 4 years. I love my boyfriend and I think he loves me. He says he does more than anything in this world. The other day, I saw on his computer that he was searching Craigslist for casual encounters with women. I asked him about it and he says he never met a woman on that site and that he only does this for amusement. My feelings are hurt and I don’t think this is normal. What do you think??
Dear Anonymous:
ReplyDeleteYou did not mention whether you are male or female so I will assume you are female as you stated your boyfriend was searching for 'women'. If I am wrong please write again.
You are correct in saying this not normal. The likelihood that he is lying is almost 100%..... in my opinion.
I would let him know that you have lost a great deal of trust in him and that it has been a major blow to the way you feel about him and your relationship.
I would suggest asking him how he would feel if you did something similar, ie. Checking out guys on a dating/website. However, please remember, there is a slim chance that he might be telling the truth.
Either way, start to pay more attention to his behavior towards you and see if you notice any differences in the way he is treating you at the present time, from the way he has treated you during the previous years of your relationship.
Best of luck,
Victoria
Dear Victoria,
ReplyDeleteI'm a proud metrosexual. I love taking care of myself, I hit the gym, I spend a lot of time in the mirror, I take care of my skin and nails, I'm totally aware of my look. Lately I've been getting mistaken for a homosexual (I'm clearly not homophobic) but it's to the point where men check me out everywhere making it difficult for me to be seen in any other light as a homosexual. I'm not sure whether I should be offended or not...it's taking a toll on my self esteem. There are even guys who wait to for me to use the gym showers so they can use them at the same time. I...am at a loss for this problem. I've never experienced this before. What do you think?
Thanks,
Tanner
Dear Tanner
ReplyDeleteFirstly I'm glad that you state you are 'not homophobic' as there isn't a place for 'homophobia' in the world today.
Regarding your dilemma, you should be flattered! Good looking females have encountered this problem from males for centuries, maybe not quite so overtly though. It's our choice as to whether we are offended or not whether we are male or female.
My advice is to take it as a compliment, yet be firm and let these men know you are straight. As for the shower problem, well, quite simply wait until you get home to take your shower and you won't encounter this problem....
Good luck
Dear Victoria:
ReplyDeleteI am a recently divorced mother with two children in their early 20s. My son is very close to me and communicates all the time. However my daughter is secretive, she has started to lie and hides things especially her current (and first ever) boyfriend. This relationship has been going on for a year and a half and I have never even met him yet. She ignores nearly all my phone calls which hurts me every day ever since she has been in this relationship. I think that this boyfriend is also a bad influence on her.
Even when I ask her simple questions, that a mother should ask, she ignores me and turns to her father who is not a good person at all. What can I do?
Thank you, Jane
Dear Jane:
ReplyDeleteMy feeling is if this is her first relationship then the likelihood of it ending is quite probable.
At the present time the best thing to do is to keep quiet with questioning her, yet try to keep the communication with her on a light level. What you don’t want to happen is for her to run into the arms of her father who you say is another problem.
When the time comes for her to feel the pain of a ‘break up’ she will most likely fall back in to the arms of her mother to pick up the pieces.
At this time, I think you should tell her that the pain she’s feeling now is the pain you’ve been feeling for the past year and a half because she cut you out of her life. Then say that if she truly loves her mother, to please never do that again in her next relationship.
Thank you for all advice,H
ReplyDeleteDear Victoria: My wife is consantly accusing me of flirting with other women. Granted, I do appreciate a good looking babe but I am too old (60's) to be chasing women around plus I have been maried for 20 years. What can I do to reassure my wife that I am just a dirty old man who looks but doesn't even consider touching?
ReplyDeleteBTW you are quite lovely, where might I run into you one day???
Hmmmm this is a tough one Mr. Anonymous... well, if you love and respect your wife, don't do this in front of her. I doubt that you would like it if she did that to you. Marriage is give and take so you must refrain from this behaviour, if you love your wife. Reassure her that you only 'look' (not flirt), if she catches you doing it again.. but please do your best not to. As for 'running in to me'... well I keep myself well hidden and well protected... so my Blog and other social media is the best place for anyone to 'find me'. Thank you for the compliment anyway :-)
DeleteHello Victoria,
ReplyDeleteThis seems an amazing blog. Keep up the good work.
-Soniya
Dear Victoria , I am in a relationship with a woman who is addicted to prescription drugs. I have tried to help her, stand by her, take her to rehab all to no avail . I am at the point where I feel there is nothing more I can do, but feel so terrible leaving her. For better for worse .Your thoughts .
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous
DeleteIf you are not married to her and don't have any children, my suggestion is to leave the relationship and, in time, be her friend. You cannot live your life helping someone that clearly does not want to help themselves. You can love her as much as you like, but it seems that she doesn't love herself enough to stop with her addiction. I'm sure addiction is a terrible disease but you don't need to go down with her. I feel strong that you should cut ties with this person and then you can choose if, in the future, you want to keep her as a friend or not.
I expect you've heard this many times before, but I honestly don't know now to handle this
ReplyDeleteproblem.
We are very friendly with our opposite neighbors but our relationship is becoming very strained because of their barking dogs.
Luckily my husband and I have a bedroom at the rear of the house but our guest room and daughters bedroom are in the front.
The barking is not constant but intermittent and very upsetting at times, especially when we have visitors staying!
We have contacted Animal Control and they issued a written warning to them but any further action we want to take would have to be through the Courts.
Can you suggest any way we can tell our friends that something must be done before we end our friendship and resort to taking legal actions.
Thank you.
Lisa
Dear Lisa
ReplyDeleteI actually haven't heard this problem before.. so I would like to ask: Have you mentioned to your neighbours/friends about this problem with their dogs? If you have mentioned it, and they have done nothing, I would suggest you ask them to buy a bark collar. This is a collar a dog wears which stops them barking, with no pain involved.
If you are truly friends with these 'neighbours' they should understand and do all they can to reduce the barking when they are at work. I say this as I am assuming that the barking happens when they are not there.
If a bark collar is something they do not want to use then I suggest letting them know t's not just you who is affected by the noise, but most of the surrounding neighbourhood are also upset with this disturbance too.
If the problem persists... I suggest you go to them and say that you will have to go to the Animal Control (if your requests are ignored). You should stress that it is the last thing you want to do but you are left with no other option. You might want to explain that it should have nothing to do with your friendship it is just you deserve to have a peaceful living environment and that there is only so much you can take before the authorities have to be called in.
Hi Victoria. As you know I'm a big fan of yours, congratulations on your blog! My question is about forgiveness and reconciliation. As a Christian, I am to forgive those who may offend or do things to me that are bad. But what about a person who repetitively hurts or offends in a similar manner over and over again without regret? My faith says turn the other cheek but I also know that God does not want us to be doormats to those who continue to do the wrong thing. What are your thoughts about reconciliation with those who repeat their offenses?
ReplyDeleteDear Gil
ReplyDeleteThis is a very powerful question which takes a lot of thought to respond correctly. I too am a Christian and was taught to always forgive, however we must always forgive, however Scripture does not tell us that we need to invite them back in to our lives again. No matter how small or large the crime may be a repeat offender should be forgiven but also let go for your healing and theirs.
I feel that it is very redeeming when a person truly is sorry for their actions and proves it by never doing the same thing again. However, when it comes to inmates in the prison system, they are often conditioned to re-offend. Often times it seems that prisoners will 'find God' in prison but why didn't they 'find God' before they went in? It is often, in my opinion, a 'cop-out' when inmates suddenly become Christians when they have no hope left.
Although I am in no place to Judge, I will speak from my own opinion, I forgive people that genuinely seem sorry for their actions whether they are Christian or not. For those who keep on re-offending, well it is only God to decide how they will be forgiven... or not.
Dear Victoria,
ReplyDeleteI have blown off a friend of 30 years because she has become an addicted pot head. She is going through a difficult time in her life and instead of seeing a shrink she is drinking and smoking dope and seems to be obnoxious when stoned. She was very offended when I confronted her and I hung up on her three times. I would like to straighted out this mess but don't know how to do it. Can you help?
Hello Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI think you need to be completely honest with your friend. Explain why you need to let her go from your life... "blowing her off" is not a kind way to deal with her. I firmly believe in communication being the key to life therefore being upfront and kind about your reason of no longer wanting her in your life is the fairest way to address this issue... I hope this helps
Victoria:
ReplyDeleteExcellent blog! Fascinating!
Thanks for suggesting that I read it.
Dave